ἀνάγκη γάρ, ἐὰν ὑμεῖς καταψηφίσησθε, καὶ μὴ ὄντα φονέα μηδ᾽ ἔνοχον τῷ ἔργῳχρήσασθαι τῇ δίκῃ, καὶ νόμῳ εἴργεσθαι πόλεως, ἱερῶν, ἀγώνων, θυσιῶν, ἅπερμέγιστα καὶ παλαιότατα τοῖς ἀνθρώποις. Antiphon, On the Choreutes, 6.4

My Lords and Gentlemen¹The title to this essay is to be translated “Once you condemn him, a defendant must perforce accept your verdict, even if he was not the murderer or concerned in the crime. The law banishes him from his city, its temples, its games, and its sacrifices, the greatest and the most ancient of human institutions”, K J Maidment,

At the foot of my last letter, I did vouchsafe to you that Sir Robert Walpole would offer me a post as the Deputy Commissioner of His Majestie’s Windes. Indeed, on the very next day His Majestie confirmed me in that antient and most esteemed office. My gratification at this elevation lasted but a day. I led you to understand my appointment would allow me time to devote my energies to work upon my Treatise. Yet, far from being a sinecure that would allow me £600 per annum and sufficient leisure to engage in gentlemanly pursuits, my new position has been one of ceaseless toil.  His Majestie on Sir Robert’s advice forthwith required that all the Windes in his Kingdom should again be counted, weighed and reckorded. Since this has not occurred since the reign of Her Majestie Queen Elizabeth, there has been much work to be done and I have had to journey to the furthest corners of this island with secretaries, scriveners, and assorted clerkes versed in Anemology in order to discharge this most important commission and to weigh his Majestie’s wind.

Wherefore I have been counting and reckoning each and every gust. In so doing I have discerned that there is no part of the Kingdom which contains more fluctuating hot air than the hill of Hampstead and the small settlement thereon. The cause of such windiness is the ceaseless jabbering of the inhabitants who being afflicted with the scourge of Wokery do not cease from their jabbering for even one hour of the night. Yet, these people do not confine their caterwauling to their bleak hill but insist on meddling in the affairs which concern them not at all, videlicet, the game of Cricket.

As you will be well acquainted the game of Cricket is a leisurely pursuit wherein a gentleman may while away some hours. Yesterday evening I was at the Star and Garter on Pall Mall  discussing this noble game with young Edwin Stead et al.. Young Stead did vouchsafe to me that he did fall asleep at his school desk some nine years since and for that reason the inhabitants of Hampstead were clamouring that he should be banished from playing the noble game. It appears that a gentlemen now cannot be allowed to while away his hours with bat and ball without the meddlesome proponents of Sleeplessness causing a hullaballoo about some indiscretion of his childhood. Indeed, the Duke of Richmond informed the company that he had heard that these enthusiastics of Sleeplessness were not only complaining about the slumbering of young Stead but were insisting that a batsman should no longer be called a batsman but a batter. To this I said that they had better watch out for such a proposal would in all likelihood fall as flat as a pancake (which, you will understand, is a dish made from batter). I believe that the companie was much taken by my drolerie for after I had made this remark there followed a silence during which no one else of those assembled could think of a saying with which to cap my witty observation.

I thus returned home in an admixed state, to wit, I was concerned that the noble game of cricket should be the new subject of Wokery but also gratified that I had spent an evening in the company of gentlemen who appreciated my own rare qualities. It is in this frame of mind that I will tomorrow begin work upon my Treatise.

I remain your humble and obedient servant,

The Somnambulist.