“תנשק לי את התחת”

My Lords and Gentlemen,

I was asked by Lord H_____ at Wills’s yesterday afternoon why these short essays are headed with quotations from long dead authors, often in the Classical languages. I do so to ensure that no man may presume to imitate my erudition without understanding at least one sentence of the learned languages¹It appears that Henry Fielding , whose father in mentioned in an earlier essay by the Somnambulist, was familiar with this essay. See Tom Jones Bk IX Chap. I. In adopting this conceit, however, the Somnambulist was himself imitating his friends Addison and Steele, authors of the Spectator..

It seems that today any man with a quill may scribble and broadcast his views to all and sundry whether or not he has any learning and whether or not his opinions contain any sense. Such men twitter like birds and their twitterings have still less meaning than the squarkings of Mr Locke’s irrational parrot²The Somnambulist appears to have misremembered or, more likely, failed to understand Locke’s essay in which a rational parrot is described: Locke, Essay Concerning Human Understanding Bk II, 8..  They disseminate their vacuous views and conduct their petty rivalries taking no account of whether anyone is either better informed or amused by what they write. To that end, I consider it meet to distinguish myself from this flock by prefacing my words with a little learning with which to flatter my reader of whose understanding I have no doubt.  Indeed, as you will know, Hebrew is one of the Classical languages and in conversation with Mr Benjamin yesterday he vouchsafed to me a most pithy saying in that antient language with which I might preface this very piece. The words encapsulate the folly of mankind. It is a more seemly response to twittering nonsense than that most recently given (with unfortunate consequences) by my Lady Raven to Miss Sarkar. Mistress Sarker’s twittering in support of Wokery is impossible to avoid save by blocking one’s ears with wax in the manner of Odysseus³It appears that Mr Benjamin was playing a practical joke on the Somnambulist because the saying with which this essay is prefaced is to be translated as “kiss my arse”..

While I write of twittering, I ask your indulgence to allow me to mention the tweeting which is taking place in Parliament. There is a faction of Tories who grumble at the elevation of Sir Robert Walpole to First Lord of the Treasury, Chancellor of the Exchequer and Leader of the House of Commons. They are even calling him the “Prime” minister. Indeed, one wit has even called him the “Sole” minister. But of the sound counsell of Sir Robert there can be no doubt. I have good intelligence that Sir Robert will soon offer me a post as the Deputy Commissioner of His Majestie’s Windes which brings with it a stipend of £600 per annum⁴What services the Somnambulist rendered to Sir Robert to secure this sinecure are not recorded.. This will be more than sufficient to allow me to devote my energies to work upon my Treatise. Indeed, I believe that in the matter of Wind Sir Robert has been heard to utter more than once that he believes me to be supremely well qualified.

I remain your humble and obedient servant,

The Somnambulist.